Being a true fan of television/film/theater, I’ve always been fascinated by celebrity publicists. At one time in my early adult life, I imagined their life to be glamorous. Publicists were part of a celebrity’s big 3: manager, accountant, publicist.

Today I feel a little bit sorry for them because I don’t believe celebrities (and celebutantes) truly understand their brand, how to protect it  and how their actions tarnish their brand in the court of public opinion. The ones that do, have happy publicists with very little work-related stress. The ones that don’t are as bad as the chicks in a Girls Gone Wild video. Geesh!

Some would argue that these “celebs gone wild” know exactly what they are doing.  There is the idea that even negative publicity is good publicity. But is it? And it seems the backlash isn’t necessarily expected or wanted when celebs fall from grace (if they were ever there in the first place).

If I was a celebrity publicist:

• I would tell one young actress who has been in the news for your multiple court appearances and obvious lack of following the rules to complete her community service, keep her nose clean and try her hand in the theater. The move could get her away from possible bad influences. And it will truly test her acting chops.

• My advice to a soon-to-be divorcee is to give your estranged husband what he wants (annulment instead of a divorce). It could improve your stake in the court of public opinion. People may begin to believe you really did marry for love. And focus on your non-television ventures for a while. Stay away from the red carpet. People are tired of seeing you with your family.

• I would advise celebrities that if they really don’t want the paparazzi following them all the time, choose a lifestyle that’s not interesting to paparazzi. Move your primary residence to anyplace other than LA and New York. If you are always “on” and ready for your close-up, you will surely have photographers there to snap your pic.

• I would tell A & B list actors and actresses to have a confidentiality agreement written and ready when you want to cheat on your wife or husband. It may be one way to keep your side piece from talking to the tabloids. May being the operative word. Or…

• Ask them to consider going the route of an A-list actor formally of a top sitcom. He probably had it right back in the day before he got married the first time. Hire that help. I know it’s against the law so I guarantee they probably won’t talk. Unless, of course, they are busted. Winning!

• Choose your friends wisely. True friends won’t sell you out for a buck to the tabloids. They will wait and write a tell-all book and ask for your input!

• I would direct anyone planning on running for any public office to have a closet assessment first. If there is any type of bone fragment in their closet that could be part of a skeleton, choose another line of public service work.

• Remind my clients to tweet wisely. Use Twitter, Facebook and other social media to help promote what you are doing in the community, your public appearances, and your television shows/movies/plays/concerts, etc. If you are having a beef with someone, don’t do it online. Find a back alley or boxing ring and go at it. If you try to win with your words but can’t, that beef will follow you for the rest of your career.

• I would hire you a stylist, a real stylist who knows what they are   doing and can help you accentuate your best bits instead of letting you go out looking like a fool. Unless that’s part of your brand, of course.

• Remind my client that if he is the one that cheated in the marriage, especially on his wife who is America’s sweetheart and just won an Oscar, he should keep his trap shut. That everything he says seems to be malicious against his ex.

Can you imagine? I would have my work lined up for me.

I wonder how the studios of old Hollywood would have handled the celebrities and media outlets today? They probably would just turn it over to a publicist.