This post today has to do with forgiveness. I have some forgiving to do. A lot of forgiving to do. I know this because I had a dream last night about my ex-husband and I was angry with him. REALLY ANGRY! I was tormenting him because I was so angry and hurt. That’s how I know I need to forgive.
I have had these dreams before where in them, I torment him. I have had a lot of them. Here is the background…we separated October 2003 and the divorce was finalized October 2006. Three years! Three long years. I didn’t file for the divorce because I didn’t want it. But, I was at his mercy to file for three years. And he kept putting it off during those three years until September 2006. He never gave me an explanation or reason as to why.
I think my latest dream which has me tormenting him has to do with a realization I had. I have a friend who is pregnant with her first baby. I can’t wait. She’s going to be a great mom as all of my friends that are moms are. And even though I have always said I didn’t want a child, I wonder if I ever really wanted one. I talk about the responsibility and it is a lot but I am sure I would make the best of being a mom and be a good one. My friend’s pregnancy is making me rethink my decision not to have children. But now, I am in that “risky” pregnancy age (I will be 41 in August). I think in my subconscious, I believe that if my ex would have moved forward with the divorce, I would have still had time to decide and possibly, move forward with having a child.
It seems a bit far-fetched, I agree. But I do still have some bitterness and anger regarding the marriage, separation, divorce and everything in between. And, I have to also admit that I have been wondering when I would be ready to start dating again. Yes, I haven’t dated anyone since December 1999. Long time, I know. And I agree. But, now I have some additional trust issues that I need to work through. For a half of a second over the weekend, I thought I was ready. Then I broke out in a cold sweat (just like James Brown explained). Ok, it wasn’t that bad but I was uncomfortable with the thought down to my bones.
I know I need to forgive before I can move on. I don’t know how it works for others but this is my path. I just don’t know how. I thought I already had but it is painfully obvious that I haven’t. My dream tells the story.
So, if you happen to run across this blog and read this post, I am open to hearing your comments on forgiveness.